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speedballing highballing…cryballing footballing….

In my face….make me wretch

wretched soul that I am

speedballing…highballing…cryballing…footballing

in my gut….   make me wretch

wretched soul that I am…

 

why don’t you play fair?????

 

Woe to you my child of sorrow

born out of wedlock, out of my pain

how can we ever once again begin?

to live outside of past injustices

the world has dumped a load of trash on us

til I get high then crash

only to see the reality of our dilemma

to hear the world’s silence of love

our only hope and strength comes from above

child of woe and sorrow, only He can heal us

our lives a shamble, a farce, a lie

don’t it kinda make ya wanna die?

But, He who to set the captives free

He came  also to heal the sick and sorrowful!

He considered us when He planned to come and die!

therefore, dear one, we need not fear

Our sins forgiven, repented in tears

He’s been crying, too, for you and me

Leave with Him our sorrows and be free!

Every fiber of my being

swam in the sea of Etoh

I was beyond caring,or seeing

I was drowning in that sea

darkness was my life

within me a plea

along came a premature seed

planted with out real love

only human physical need

every fiber of its being swam in the sea of Etoh

I was beyond caring, seeing

that silent buried plea

grew within me to a roar

when  awoken on  a cold floor

trapped inside were two children

both needing a Savior’s Love

the Spirit descended like a dove

precious infant

so tender an mildou grew to become so wild

lack of love

full of despair

seems like no one really cares

But, God so love us

He came to die

even in our state of high

Deliver me from myself I cried

no longer can i go on

so I begged to die

He reached down inside my heart

gave me a fresh start

Freed at last from the sea of Etoh

My precious baby so wild

each day you grow more mild

nurtured by our new Love

Thank you Jeshua for a new life

that when there is strife

I have You to turn to, and not

the Sea Of Etoh…

I yelled at you again, my child

How can words ever convey my remorse?

Can’t you see how I regret my anger?

My frustrations are many, my apologies too few.

I hurt you today, I know I did…

even though you forgave me and denied

my infliction of  pain on your soul…

I , too, was once in your shoes,

so I know you are masking the damage done…

To erase my words spoken in haste

is an impossible task, I’m afraid…

afraid of you putting more masks on to cover

and hide away from me and other imperfect  beings

that hurt you, abused you, caused shame

I wish I could open and bare my soul

that you could see how

I yearn  to wrap

my arms tightly around you to absorb your pain…

within the chambers of my heart

deep within my soul

there is a special place no human eye can see

it has your name written on it, only yours…

inside that room are my feelings for you.

And when I yelled, ranted and raved

that room shook as if an earthquake

hit deep within my soul, destroying

the surrounding places, but no matter what

that one special room remains the same.

I lost my cool with you today

I’m so human: imperfect and complete

for within me too, there is a child

whose needs were never met

I’m trying to love you the only way I know how

to love you, to bare my soul

but, somehow things never go right

built up anger erupts into spewing words

and I once again end up hurting you…

“will you forgive me”? I ask

for the millionth time it seems…

I pray that you will once again,

for I am so ashamed…

I hope you can somehow understand my humaness

my sinful nature,it’s my weakness…

I inherited my father’s  temper

which explodes once in a while…

Thank God, He’s not that way when we

disobey Him, He forgives…

can you, can I, love like that?

I pray for a changed heart so I can

love you like He has called me to…

Please be patient and understanding, can you? God isn’t finished with me yet…

Echoes of long-ago words still ring

inside my head from my father’s rages…

You see, sins are inherited, like my alcoholism

even though drink and drugs are gone…

those obstacles of turmoiled emotions remain…

you see, I’m still also a child within…

Dear Friend,

Hi, how are you? Not as well as you’d like, I am sure.  Life is hard, girl.  Its not easy to yearn for something that is always elusive.  Like a father’s love.  No man can ever fill that “daddy hole” in our hearts.

As you know, I’ve married four men.  And,  there have been countless other relationships through the years.  I always believed that they could give me what I needed, wanted, yearned for.  They were just as broken as I was.  All I received from them was abuse, infidelity, addiction, alienation from my children, leaving me even more battered and bruised.

I drank, drugged and sexed harder, trying to dull the pain.

This last marriage almost killed me.  I ended up addicted  again.  This time to prescription drugs prescribed by my psychiatrist because I was suffering from complex post traumatic stress disorder.  I drank on those medications, trying to kill the enormous well of pain. Alone. Abandoned by “christian friends” rejected by most people I told my story to…I became utterly alone in the prison of my own making.  I withdrew from people, self protecting from any more pain.

It was my Maker and I.

I wanted out of this life.  I lost everything.  The loneliness was deafening.  The well was deep.

It was then that I cried out to my Creator.

You have heard it all for years.  Just as I had. I didn’t want to hear it anymore.   Head knowledge does not equal recovery.  Head knowledge does not take away the pain and suffering, regret and self loathing.  It does not heal addiction.

I wanted to hear only from Him.  Nothing else would do.  He showed up when I surrendered ALL.

I love you my friend….hugs…

You zeroed in on me….me….what a catch!  College educated, working woman, I walked with dignity and respect….professional career…..little did I know the front you put on was the exact opposite of what lay within your twisted soul….I fell for it…ignored my guts…

Here I am, fighting for that woman I was before I met you, the woman I yearn to be again,

I’ve left twice before, forced back twice….three times is a charm….

Control….the money, the  thoughts, the emotions, a strangle hold on the soul…

Ok, I can play the game, I got your number now…I see through your games, I will play my own…lie low, plot my final escape, I will use you, pretend like you, that all is right, I  will have my own secret life, stash some money, get the support , the education , seek out that strong inner woman I still am.

let her shine, all in time and on your dime….